Who Am I?

*Warning: This is the loooooongest post ever. Ever. And, there aren't any pictures. So, unless you're my mom, dad, or husband, feel free to skip this one. They're obligated to read. It's part of the incentive package for loving me. Everyone else, consider this your free homework pass. Or your warning. Whichever you prefer. 

I'm in constant Mommy Mode.

Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't change anything about my life.

Well, that's not entirely true. I'd take less debt, more good hair days, and a smaller waist-line. Oh, and a house with a 2nd bathroom. PLEASE!

But, other than that short list, I'm good.

If you're a parent, you will understand this next statement,

I'm sure.

At least I hope you do.

Otherwise, I'm all alone.

Alone.

Alone.

I'm all alone.

Anyway, I often struggle to remember me.

Who am I?

Aside from the diapers and superheroes, who am I?

Patrick and I, like many of you did, spent some time traveling down memory lane these last few days. This is our 10th New Year together. We agreed that this was our favorite yet, because of JC & Myra Mae.

As we were talking, I began to hear a nagging voice. Save the sarcastic comments, Dad! Ahem.

My subconscious was reminding me that I was once so much more than an on-demand beverage provider.

I realized that not only am I not that person anymore, but I couldn't tell you very much about her if I tried.

That frightened me.

I love my role right now; I love being Mommy and Wife.

But I would be lying if I were to say that I don't miss certain things about the carefree eternally hopeful and optimistic head-in-the-clouds dreamer I once was.

That girl, she was going places.

In stilettos.

And a spit-up free shirt.  

Anyway, chances are, I'll be saying the same thing in 10 years.

I'll look back and struggle to remember who I was in this moment.

Chances are, I'll remember the sleepless nights, the superheroes, and the unconditional love (even at times that I don't deserve it) from my not so little anymore babies.

Only, I want to remember who I am then.

I want to look back and laugh at how I didn't see God's timing or reasoning in my life because I was too close to the moment see the big picture.

I want to be proud of the really hard stuff that we overcame, and laugh at the stuff that seemed huge but turned out to be insignificant (and the really small things that were life-changing).

So, I thought it would be fun to list a few thoughts that I have about my life right now. Because I'm quite sure I'll remember who they were. But I don't know if I'll know anything about who I was.

Here are a few random things about myself. Some of them are recent discoveries, while others are things that I can already feel becoming old and stuffy. I'm constantly changing, evolving, and growing. 

I hope that I look back at this list in 10 years and am proud of the person I am now.

I hope I can look back at it and say that my life is better than it is now, but that I can say that I embraced this stage fully and with gratitude. I hope that I can say that, while I'm sure I will miss this stage, I don't feel like I missed out on it because I lived my life fully and in the moment. 

Anyway, here's my list:

1. I have finally learned to love peanut butter. Providing it's smooth, organic, schmeared (the Sandy Cohen way) on a whole-grain bagel with fresh strawberry slices.

2. My hair has more gray in it than my 9-years-older-than-I-am husband's does. He says it's due to my inability to be relaxed and go with the flow. Personally, I think he takes a Sharpie to his hair in the mornings. But what would I know? He's up by 5 most mornings while I am usually just getting to the good part of my sleep (the part that lasts 3 uninterrupted hours). 

3. I love to sew. This one surprises me more than the peanut butter. See, I avoided all home ec classes like the plague. Looking back, this was probably a mistake. Sixteen-year-old me never dreamed that the digestive process of a cow would turn out to be random useless knowledge or that knowing how to can or do a French pleat might come in handy. Thankfully, I have my mom and Granny to help in both departments! And, when I need to get my bovine digestion game on, I've got Dad & Patrick.

4. I hear strange noises in the middle of the night (like the house creaking or a car driving by) and can't go back to sleep. Anxiety? Foolishness? Paranoia? Call it what you may, but it's a very unfortunate reality for me these days, especially at 3am when I'm already exhausted from a night of nursing Myra. (Seriously, when will this kid start sleeping through the night???) Insert The Cranberries singing quietly in the background.

5. I am still a die-hard loyalist when it comes to brands. My long-time favorites include Diet Coke from Sonic, Coach handbags, Pottery Barn Organic Cotton sheets, Lisa Leonard Designs, and Paul Brown Wash Elite and Resurrect. 

6. I haven't worn stilettos anywhere other than church in over 2 years. The last time I had a pair on was at my BFF's bachelorette party in 2010.

7. After a gazillion renovation projects, I finally feel like our house is starting to reflect my style. When we were first married, I decorated in reds and other earth tones (but mostly reds). I didn't like red, even then, but I had it in my head that red and dark green were "grown-up" colors. Thanks to this post, I started to pay attention to my style. I began to look at the colors in my closet. I looked to the colors that I wore the most and made me the happiest. Slowly, I began to incorporate those colors. Things went from being dark colors to bright blues, greens, and whites with a few pops of yellow. I still love dark furniture and floors, but I prefer light accessories. After 5 years of being in this house, I'm finally happy with my daily surroundings.

8. If I could, I would update bedding at least twice a year (at least). in the 5 years that we've been married, I've had 6 different looks in the master bedroom. This is by far my favorite, and it's stayed the longest (just over 2 years). But, I'm growing tired of it. I found something in Pottery Barn's new catalog that I LOVE, but until I sell some of the things I have, I'm not going to buy a new one.

9. If it is between having a clean house or sleep, my house will be messy. I can deal with the house, but I have to have sleep. For the safety and wellbeing of those around me. You're welcome.

10. I've felt God's presence more in my life in the last 6 months than ever before. I'm not sure if it's because I'm spending more time listening (a skill my Pa always told me I needed to improve), or if it's just that I'm surrounding myself with people who are like-minded. Either way, I've left church at least 3 times a month feeling like the message was directed towards me. On several occasions, I was quite certain that God placed the message on Pastor Nick's heart and included a neon sign flashing over my head on Sunday morning. You know, just so he could be sure that he was getting through to me. Sometimes, I want to stand up and say, "Everyone, you can go home now. This one's all mine. Have a great week!" All kidding aside, I think it's because I have purposefully sought Him out more lately. I desperately crave a feeling of fulfilling my purpose.

11. Mexican is my favorite food. Then steak grilled by Patrick. Followed closely by greasy cheeseburgers and fries. Suits, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, and Castle are must-see shows (Revenge, 2 Broke Girls Heart of Dixie, and  In the Middle are watched frequently). My favorite movies are still McClintock! and Sweet Home Alabama although Crazy Stupid Love, Trouble with the Curve, and Tombstone are very closely tied for the third place spot.

12. My favorite jeans are from Banana Republic and J.Crew. My shoes are J.Crew ballet flats or Frye Boots. My purse and diaper bag are Coach, as are my sunglasses. I wear cardigan sweaters or flowy tops most of the time, and if I'm going anywhere beyond the mailbox, I have on one of my Lisa Leonard Designs necklaces (usually my two Dewdrops necklaces stacked on one chain), my Tiffany bracelet, and a scarf. I am the scarf lady. If I'm staying home, I'm in lounge pants and a Gap t-shirt. Or, more times than not, one of Patrick's super soft t-shirts.

13. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I wear, even though I rarely look the part. I'm what you would call a "not-hot-hot-mess." Someday, these babies will be able to take care of themselves. At that point, maybe I'll look a little bit more put together. Doubtful, but I'm willing to hang on to hope.

14. If I wear make-up, it's put on in the car. Always. Never while I'm driving, though I have been known to apply mascara while stopped at a red light. Usually, if I'm going anywhere that requires make-up, Patrick is with me, and he always drives (apparently, I'm a bad driver?). My make-up stays in the car during the winter and in my purse during the summer. I still only wear minimal stuff though; just lightweight tinted moisturizer, some shimmery eye shadow, mascara, and lip balm. 

15. I love photography and came within one step of opening my own studio. Like one step. I had the lease completely filled out, had purchased all of the equipment I would need to get started, and had a website and business cards made. At the very last (I mean VERY last) minute, something told me to wait. I'm so thankful that I listened because the spot I was going to lease is still sitting empty, and all of the businesses surrounding it have since closed. The apartments that are above the building next door have been involved in several meth busts. I feel like I really dodged a bullet. Opening a studio is still on my bucket list, but it's much lower than it once was, and it definitely won't be in that place. 

16. I had the some of best students for the two years I taught. I still talk to many of them on a regular basis, and I consider them to be great friends. I have such high hopes that they will accomplish their dreams, and I'm beyond honored that I had the opportunity to help mold them into the people they will become. I still feel like teaching is in my future; I just don't think it's in my immediate future. Only time will tell!

17. I still can't listen to Blue Moon of Kentucky without crying. It gets me. Every. Single. Time. As do The Good Stuff and The Woman with You by Kenny Chesney.  Bawl like a baby.

18. I'm completely envious of anyone who can sing. I think the nation could forgo waterboarding. Forcing the terrorists to listen to my ear-screeching attempts to carry a tune would be much more effective. And, cheaper. Hey, aren't we all calling for budget reform? There you go. 

19. I dream of building a big white farmhouse with a haint blue wrap around porch on my grandaddy's farm. Smack dab in the middle of the hay field. I doubt this dream will ever become reality, but if it does, you'll find me sitting on the porch swing, sipping sweet tea, and reading Southern Living.

20. I detest living in a subdivision. But, since I'm living large as a stay at home mommy, we're stuck here indefinitely. We've outgrown our house (1 bathroom, zero closet space, and a backyard the size of the house--small!), but we are making do. Many get by with a lot less, and we're so so SO grateful that we have a roof over our head and have made so many memories here. I know without a doubt that I will look back in 10 years and miss this place.

What do you want your future self to remember about who you are right now? Is there anything you hope to forget?