Regrets and a Crib Review

Lately, I've been thinking about regrets.

I would love to say that I'm an "in the moment" kind of person; and while that's true with some things (I do tend to be rather impulsive), I also harbor things that I shouldn't. 

For example, regrets.

Some things may seem silly to most people. For example, I have a list of regrets that I have that are sure to be completely meaningless to most of you.

Here's the only picture I could find of the crib JC and I shared. He was a week old in this picture. (It doesn't seem possible that he was that small!)

That's one of my regrets: not keeping this crib.  When Babies R Us offered a 20% coupon to trade in old cribs, I jumped on it. I traded in the crib that my beloved Grandaddy painstakingly assembled for me (I have pictures to prove it); the very same crib that JC slept in for his first year and 10 months. I wanted a newer "safer" crib for Myra. In truth, the crib she has now is even less safe than that one. Sure, it's more modern. It turns into a toddler bed then a full sized bed. It doesn't have the drop side (which is supposed to be a safety hazard). 

But...

It's a pain in the rear. 

Here's a semi-okay picture of Myra's crib. (Ignore the messed up ruffles on the crib skirt. I had just dusted the crib that morning and didn't fluff them back like they were. Oh, and as for the blanket on the side of the crib? Well, I was putting laundry away. Plus, she was all of a week old (look how big JC is!) and not exactly moving around to knock it down.) 

Now for my complaint about this crib. My mom and Granny worked for HOURS making her crib skirt. HOURS. Days, days, and days. You can see three ruffles here: a blue damask print, a pink geometric print, and about an inch of a green floral motif. However, there were two more layers of the crib skirt that you can't see: a solid blue textured fabric and the Love Bird Damask print shown below. 

{Love Bird Damask fabric $10/yd. Image from babybedding.com}

All of that painstakingly hard work, and you barely get to see any of it! The worst part is that this is with the crib raised up all the way; this is as much as you will ever see. This, ladies and gents, is as good as it gets. 

Which brings me to my next complaint about this crib.  What I thought I would love about it has turned out to be the thing I hate the most: the lowered front. If you notice, it scoops down in the front center so that it is easier to get the new baby in and out without waking her/him. 

{Sorelle Verona Lifetime Crib from www.babiesrus.com}

Here's what I didn't consider. They're just a few rookie mistakes that a first-time mom would have made, but a 2nd timer should have known better. It pains me that I didn't. See, during the first few months, Myra didn't sleep in her crib. Truthfully, she didn't sleep anywhere. But, what few hours of sleep she did get were spent in a pack-and-play in our room. She only slept in her crib with the mattress raised all the way to the top for a few months. Once she became large enough to sit up on her own, the lowest point of the crib came to her armpits. She very easily could have fallen out of the crib. We moved it to the middle level (it should be noted that it is very easy to raise and lower the crib; but not as easy as it was with the old one. While my old crib had no less than 10 different heights, this one only has 3), and tried it out. It would have worked, but as she was already starting to pull herself up (at 7 months), I didn't want to have to go through the trouble of removing the mattress, monitor (we have the Angel Care monitor and it has a motion detector that rests between the mattress and the springs), and crib skirt again. So, I went ahead and lowered it as far as it would go.  

JC NEVER climbed out of his crib. And the boy could climb. He climbed on everything. EVERYTHING. But he never climbed out of his crib. I can already tell you that Myra will climb out of this one. It's just too easy. Even now, at 8 months, when she stands (with the crib at the lowest setting), her entire head and almost all of her neck is visible over the top. She frequently stands and rests her chin on the crib where the front "scoops" down. 

Which brings me to my main point: In life, sometimes we are fooled by flashy things. We are tricked by our sinful natures to want newer. Shinier. Better. More. Please understand that I'm not saying wanting more is a sin. It's not. But, constantly wanting more than you have and not being happy with what you have is a sin. 

See, Patrick and I have spent a great deal of the last 10 years arguing about this. I have always been a "look ahead for the future" type, while Patrick has always preferred to live in the present and be happy with his life, exactly where he is at that moment. It used to drive me crazy. Truthfully, it still does.

But, I am beginning to see that my way isn't the right way. There, I said it. I am wrong. Patrick is right. Mark your calendars; it will probably be a while before you read that one again!

Anyway, God wants us to be content. 

He wants us to appreciate all that we have; whether it be little or much.

Hebrews 13:5 says, "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (ESV).

Matthew 6:31-33 reads, "Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (ESV). 

There are numerous other examples from scripture that points to God's desire for us to find contentment in what we have. 

But what about the difference between not being content and having dreams? Is there anything wrong with wanting more? This has been the crux of our problem: I constantly want more. 

I don't want to make it sound like Patrick doesn't have dreams. He does. They involve being healthy, happy, and debt free, having a slightly larger house on a farm (preferably with a huge front porch and a big yard, but those are negotiable for him), and having things set up so that he and JC can farm together full-time after JC graduates from college (if that's what JC wants to do). Otherwise, Patrick doesn't really want for much. He's content in his place in life. He loves his family; he has a heart for Jesus. He doesn't get caught up in fads or appearances. He sees nothing wrong with wearing a t-shirt and jeans everywhere he goes. He's simple. I don't mean that in a bad way; I hope you understand that. But, he is simple. He wants what he has and is grateful for it. It's a quality that he and Pa shared, and I think it's what makes them better people than most of the rest of us; they get it. Life isn't about your stuff, it's about your relationships. It's about your love for each other and your love for God.

Meanwhile, I'm over here dreaming big dreams. I want the farm. I want the house on it. But, I have a specific house picked out. I have finishing details down to the wainscoting and the light fixtures. In my dream, the porch ceiling is painted Haint Blue, the driveway is lined with hundred-year-old Oak trees, and the bathrooms all have claw-foot tubs laid on pristine white hexagon tiles. The interior boasts antique  store finds covered in Annie Sloan Chalk Paint mixed with family heirlooms and overstuffed leather couches from Restoration Hardware. The farmhouse table has room for a dozen people and every seat is filled on the weekends because I will make mouth-watering feasts that put the Pioneer Woman to shame. In my dream, our children are dressed in boutique clothing and their gigantic playroom is in a perpetual state of organization; not a toy is out of place unless it is currently being used.

In my dream, every day is a great hair day. My children are always happy and perfectly behaved. Strangers remark about their politeness and intelligence. Women ask me about my clothing and accessories; they all ask me to be their shopping companion. My vehicle is new and perfectly polished, as are my nails. I always look "put together" and no one would ever say, "Oh, bless her heart," in reference to me.

In my dream, life is perfect.

It's scripted.

It's not at all like the real world where people are flawed and broken. 

See, while Patrick's dream is simple in his visions of us being together and happy, I have visions of grandeur. I want things to be picture-perfect and I hold everyone around me to my impossibly high standards. Actually, I don't even hold them to MY high standards; I hold them to everyone else's high standards. I let other people judge me and I value myself based on their judgments.

I am constantly worried about what others will think of me. Of my kids. Of my husband. Of my house. Of my stuff.

I look at what is stylish and trendy and I want it. Now. I'm like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. 

{Julie Dawn Cole as Veruca Salt. Image from imdb.com}

I want it all, and I want it now! 

This brings me full circle (are you still following?) to my main point.

Regret. 

I regret being so fixed on what other people will think of me. 

I regret being swayed by the shiner, newer, brighter, better, fancier, prettier, faster, pricier, next big things in life. 

I regret not stopping to appreciate the things that matter.

I regret letting myself be caught up in what other people think of me.

I regret not spending more time focused on what The One who matters thinks of me.

Because if I spent more time focused on what He thinks, I might become comfortable enough in myself to stop caring so much what everyone else thinks.

I might stop dying of embarrassment because my 3 year old had a meltdown while in public.

I might stop feeling like everyone was judging my parenting skills because my 8 month old still isn't sleeping through the night and it shows in every line etched on my face.

If I spent more time focused on being content in my life right now, I might not worry about the fact that my house isn't perfect. I would go ahead and entertain despite its flaws; I would live in it and enjoy this time in my life.

So, while to you, it may only seem like a crib, to me, it's so much more than that, and it will always be on my list of regrets. 

If I Had a Million Dollars

As I'm typing this, I'm singing old school Barenaked Ladies. 

Tell me I'm not alone. Please. Anyone?

Oh. Okay. In that case.

Awkward silence it is. 

And crickets. Because that somehow seems worse than awkward silence. 

Moooooooving On. 

(At least if any former students read my blog, they'll get that one. What's that, you say? My former students are too cool for my blog? Hmm...and again, we have crickets.) 

Anyway, As part of my Get My Act Together New Year's Plan (because, I don't do resolutions, remember?), I've committed to saying, "NO WAY JOSE!" to credit cards. 

Why is it that suddenly, when you can't have something, it's ALL you can think about? I mean ALL. I. CAN. THINK. ABOUT.

In the last 20 days, I have thought of dozens HUNDREDS of things I want NEED.

From a new car-seat for JC to three dozen Silpada necklaces and bracelets, I am having a hard time saying, "No!"

The first few days of the new year, I was cool about it. It went something like this: 

Me: Patrick, you know what would be great?

Patrick: [with a deer-in-the-headlights panicked expression because he knows that this sort of probing question NEVER goes anywhere good, and he tentatively asks] What?

Me: It would be so great if we could get out of debt so I could buy a new-to-me car. If we didn't have those payments, we could save for a year and buy a really nice vehicle with enough room for all 4 of us and the junk we seem to take everywhere.

Patrick: Yea. That would be nice.

Soon (and by soon, I mean by January 5th), the dialogue went more like this:

Me: Patrick?

Patrick: [looks up from his Cat's Pause with slight annoyance in his eyes because he knows where this is going] Yes?

Me: I wish we had money.

Patrick: [laughing at the irony that if it weren't for me, we WOULD probably have money. Not Bill Gates money, but money.] So do I. 

Me: If we had money, I would buy this sweater [holds up her MacBook Pro this item]. 

Patrick: If you hadn't bought the other 150 sweaters that you never wear, you would probably be able to buy that one. 

Now, we're just in a whole different level of wishful thinking.

Me: Patrick, I want this.

Patrick: [no longer bothers to look up from his intriguing game of Bubble Blaster as he replies] We don't have money for it.

Me: [makes pouty face that worked for the majority of my life but seems to be useless when used to get what I want now]

So, since he no longer wants to listen to me, I thought I'd share a few of the items that I would buy, "If I had a million dollars." You know, in case anyone reading this little old blog has a million dollars. In which case, I'd love to be your personal shopper. Let me live vicariously through you. PLEASE!

1. Stetson Hand Burnished Ficcini Riding Boots in brown. 

{image from Shelpers.com}

I LOVE boots. Blame it on my cowgirl upbringing, or my love for bohemian style. Either way, I love these boots. They're timeless and classic, and they are a brand that is renowned for its quality and craftsmanship. These are investment quality boots. They will be in your closet for decades. And, at only $239, they're a steal!


2. Vintage Stud Shoulder Bag from The Frye Company.

{image from sterlingleather.com}

It's no secret that I am beyond obsessed with The Frye Company. When I was in college, I used to pine over a pair of boots that my Grandaddy promised to buy me when I graduated college. Since he passed away before that happened, Patrick bought me a pair this summer. Could we afford them? No. Not at all. Were they a stupid tax purchase? Yup. But I wear them ALL the time (like every time I leave the house), and they will be in my closet for the next 20+ years. And, they make me think of my beloved Grandaddy, how much he believed in me, and how much my husband loves and supports me. Not only all of that, but they're AMAZING quality. I can only imagine that the bag is the same type of product. I would love to add this to my closet. I might even be willing to trade a few of my beloved Coach handbags for it!   

3. Elgar Cowl Neck Sweater from All Saints (featured in Oxblood)

{image from us.allsaints.com}

I live in sweaters in the winter. I'm not much on sweatshirts (although, now that I'm home most days, I am ashamed to admit that yoga pants and a hoodie have been my uniform of choice more days than not), especially out in public. I just never feel put together when wearing one. Sweaters take the same effort and are just as comfortable, yet they look so much crisper. I love this sweater in emerald. It's the color I would pick, but the oxblood is gorgeous, too.

4. Indigo Denim Trousers from Banana Republic

{image from bananarepublic.gap.com}

Banana Republic has the BEST denim. Period. I've gone back and forth between jeans from there and J.Crew for years. For skinny jeans, you can't beat the Matchstick (see below) from J.Crew. But, for everything else, BR is the place to go. Especially for trouser jeans. And, now that I'm eating healthier, my pants are a little big. Actually, my pants are falling off. I plan to lose more weight (my goal is another 15-20 lb.), so I don't want to spend $90 on jeans that I will only be able to wear for hopefully 3 or 4 months. But, if I had a million dollars, I'd buy them in dark indigo and white. 

5. Gene Silk Scarf from Club Monaco. 

{image from clubmonaco.com}

I once heard Kelly Monaco (Sam McCall-Morgan on GH, and Season 1 Winner of DWTS) say that her favorite store was Club Monaco, and that she frequently wears/wore the brand on the show. I adore Sam's style, but being from the sticks, I had never heard of the store. I turned to Google.  At the time, they didn't have online shopping, just a "look-book" style website similar to h&m (seriously? WHEN?!?). I may or may not have planned our very first weekend get-away as husband and wife around a trip to this store. Ahem. Anyway, now they offer online shopping and have helped the Man in Brown stay employed (too bad more of my shopping endeavors haven't helped the USPS since it pays the bills around here!). But, that was before I gave up shopping.  Anyway, I love scarves (mainly because no matter how much weight I gain/lose, it always fits) and am always looking to add gorgeous prints to my collection.  This one wouldn't disappoint. 

6. Crafted Dinnerware in Ice Blue from West Elm

{image from westelm.com}

I have all white plates. All of our serving dishes are also white. I picked it because it's timeless and classic and will never go out of style. I didn't want to have "formal" place settings because I know that we're not formal people so they would very rarely be used. So, our "fancy" dishes are also our "everyday" dishes. However, I'd like to have the option to mix it up from time to time while still coordinating with what we have. I've been looking for the last few years without any luck. But wouldn't you know that just before Christmas (when I had already sworn to say goodbye to credit cards as soon as Christmas was over), I would find these? At $256 for 8 place settings, they're quite a steal. They're just not in my budget while we tackle the debt snowball. It doesn't matter anyway since they're backordered until May. Maybe I can hit Patrick up for them for an anniversary (May 12)/Mother's Day present? 

And these are just a few of the things that I could think of off the top of my head. There are about 15 outfits that I have saved on my shopping board on Pinterest, not to mention all of the things I've got on my shopping list for Patrick, JC, or Myra.

This get out of debt journey is HARD. I'm not going to lie: it's a lot more difficult to get OUT of debt than it was to get INTO debt. But, I know that we're making huge progress towards achieving greatness for our family. It may be hard now, but I will be so grateful when we're no longer letting our money control us. 

Today, we started a new Growth Group class at church. It's all about Biblical finance and is exactly what we needed (funny how that works, huh?). And by we, I hope you know that I mean me. It's exactly what I needed. Because Patrick doesn't have a spending problem. Patrick never buys anything for himself. Ever. 

Rome wasn't built in a day, and we're not going to clean up a mess that took me 5 years to make in a month. But, we will get it cleaned up, and we will NEVER go back. Period. 

I actually didn't learn anything new in class today; I'm a Dave Ramsey junkie. I listen to his show, have all of the books, and quote him on a daily basis. Ironic considering I have zero skills at handling my own finances. I can walk you through investing and know the baby steps as well as I know my own kids. But, I've never applied them to my own life because I haven't admitted that I have a problem. In my mind, it was always under control and I could stop it at any time. Spoken like a true addict, huh? 

Anyway, the one thing that I heard that stuck with me (because I had our worksheet filled out before we even started the Dave video), was that to get out of debt, you have to become content with what you have and stop wanting more. I didn't really pay attention to it in class; I just filed it away for later.  Later came on the car ride home. 

Patrick and I were discussing the class and the church service, and I started thinking about that one statement. It's so true. It's always been true for me. I buy things that I don't need and can't afford because I think that they will make me happy. No, that's not even true. I buy them because I think they will change the way others see me. Somewhere along the way, I pinned my self-worth to stuff. I decided that I wasn't worthy of being liked/loved based on who I am, but rather what I have or don't have. I am creative, caring, talented, fun, hard-working, honest, loyal, smarter than a 4th grader (but not a 5th grader--those questions are hard!), and a great friend. I'm a wonderful mom. I'm a good wife. I shouldn't base my opinion of myself on my stuff. Because once I really thought about it, I realized that the people in my life who truly matter don't value their opinions of me on my stuff. They see me. 

This is how I know that this time it will be different.  That's how I know that, while I would love to have all of the items I mentioned earlier in this post, I won't buy any of them. I finally get it; my worth isn't worth going into debt for more stuff. It's not going to make me a better person. Having a new pair of boots won't magically make me a better hostess, nor will that gorgeous purse make me better organized. However, it will add stress to my life each day as I go to the mailbox. It will strain my marriage and my relationship with my kids.

So, for now, I'll go on wanting those things. Maybe I'll have them someday; maybe not. Either way, I'm good. 

8 Months

Yesterday was Myra's 8th month birthday. We went all out with the celebration, let me tell you. It started with a trip to my dentist office for my cleaning. Then, we went to JC's doctor because he has had some tummy trouble for a while now. Thankfully, she didn't think it was anything major. Basically, he has some food issues that we're trying to figure out through process of elimination. We've cut out most processed food, and are trying to get to the root of the problem.  It was very relieving to find out that he's okay, but I'm not sure it was much of a 3/4 year celebration for Myra Mae.

Myra is such a content baby...as long as life is on her terms. Ha! Whoever coined the phrase, "sleeping like a baby" clearly had NEVER spent a single night with a baby. Ever. Ever. Because babies, they don't sleep. At least mine don't. JC started sleeping through the night about 5 nights a week at 6 weeks old. Then, he hit a spell from about 10 months until 2 where he was awake at least once a night. It was exhausting.

Or so I thought.

Then, we met Myra.

She will sleep for 6 hours once a month, then try to make up for it by staying awake all night long the other 29 days. She's been sleeping in 2 hour increments for about a month now, and I am freaking exhausted.

It's a good thing she's so cute!

Burning the Plow

Yesterday changed my life.

Literally.

Metaphorically.

Spiritually.

It changed my life.

It changed my marriage.

It changed my children's futures.

It changed me.

Yesterday started off as a bad day.  Not an awful day, just a bad day.  I overslept. Myra didn't sleep the night before (for what feels like the gazillionth night in a row), and I hit snooze. A few times too many. This left me with frizzy hair.

Call me crazy, but I can tell you what kind of day I will have based on my hair.

Yup.

Crazy.

See, my confidence level is directly linked to my hair. If it's straight (and the humidity is at least 0%), I will have a super day.  If it's curly, there's a 20% chance that it will be an okay day.

The outfit I wanted to wear wasn't working. Picking something else cost me at least 10 minutes.

I couldn't find JC's shoes.

We had to load JC's old bed before leaving because we were going straight to Scottsville after church and trading his bed here with the (smaller) bed from his room at my parents' house.

We were late.

Ironically, we made it to church just before it started. I mean just before.

Patrick went with JC to the children's church, leaving me all alone with Myra. Which would be fine, but Myra (who was in a full-on prayer pose during every ultrasound we had) hates sitting still through church.

And it doesn't matter when her nap is or what time she eats, she's going to be fussy.  The sun rises in the east, it always rains within 3 days of July 4th, and Myra gets fussy during church.

I have spent more time in the cry room than I have in the sanctuary, but that's a different story.

Have I mentioned how much we LOVE LOVE LOVE our church?  We're fairly new; only 6 months, but we love our church. We love our pastor. He has changed our lives.

Anyway.

As I sat with Myra in the cry room, hooked on every word he said, feeling like he was talking to me, I began to fight internally.

I began to have a full-on argument with myself. True Lorelai Gilmore style.

I was hearing a million different voices in my head ranging from Dave Ramsey's infinite knowledge to the all too helpful sales girl at J.Crew.

I heard the voice of reason and the voice of me arguing about pillow covers from Pottery Barn.

I felt the panic as it tightened in my chest, suffocating me.

I saw into my future as JC and Myra had to do without things that they wanted. Things that they NEEDED because of me.

Because of my mistakes.

Because of my greed.

All the while, I'm sitting in the cry room listening to our wonderful Pastor Nick talk about Elisha and Elijah.

"'Let me kiss my father and mother goodbye, and then I will come with you.' He's not having second thoughts. He's not saying, 'I don't know if this is worth it. Let me sit back and think about this for a couple of minutes.' He knows what this calling is going to do for his life. He has to leave everything behind and go in a completely different direction." (Paraphrased from my mental notes of the sermon. Keep in mind that I am a note-taking-feind. I write down EVERYTHING. In school, I was the girl whose notes you wanted to borrow. But, keep in mind that I was taking mental notes while holding a very squirmy 7 month old and arguing with myself. Multi-tasking and what not. Just throwing that out there for you.)

Do you know the story?

No?

Well, read it. 1 Kings 19:19-21

Pastor Nick went on to say that many of us don't understand salvation, and what it really is when they get it. We get the God part; we understand the, "Jesus, come into my heart and forgive me" part, but we don't pay attention to the letting go of EVERYTHING else part.

Like the song, "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus."

"The world behind me, the cross before me, no turning back."

Kiss it goodbye.

Kiss the world goodbye.

See, we want to walk with Jesus.

We want to walk with Him so that we can go to heaven.

But for many of us, that's where it stops.

Guess what?

That isn't enough.

IT ISN'T ENOUGH!

See, by just letting Jesus offer you salvation, you're basically telling Him that you love him, but not enough to let go of all of the stuff.

You're saying that you have a back-up plan.

You know, just in case it doesn't pan out the way you wanted.

By hanging on to all of the crap, by hanging on to the junk and the materialism (or whatever it is that you're holding onto), you're essentially saying that you don't have enough trust in Him to provide.

You don't have enough trust that He who GAVE YOU LIFE...

...that He who LET HIS SON DIE on the cross FOR YOU...

...will provide for you.

Wow.

By hanging on to the TV shows, the friends, the credit cards, and anything else that is keeping you from being able to completely shift your entire purpose in an instant for GOD, you're not actually able to follow.

You're telling Him that His only purpose in your life is to safeguard you against Hell. Kind of like an insurance policy. 

The Bible calls us to be IN the world, and not OF the world. (1 John 2:15-17; Romans 12:2)

The Bible calls us to be righteous. (1 John 2:29)

The Bible calls us to do EVERYTHING for GOD. (Colossians 3:17; 1 Corinthians 10:30)

We're called to do more.

to BE more.

Do you watch HIMYM? Remember the episode "Spoiler Alert" with the glass shattering (featuring Lindsay Price)?  I heard glass shattering as I realized that the words applied to me.

Directly. To. Me. 

"So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowing equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate.  Then, he set out to follow Elijah and became his servant." (1 Kings 19:21)

Wow.

Talk about no turning back.

Elisha had so. Much. Faith.

Could you?

Would you?

Could I?

Would I?

Credit cards.

See, I think that it's the moments where you admit that you don't know what His plan for your life is.

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has BIG plans.

We know that He does.

But we don't always know what they are.

Does it matter?

Should it matter whether or not we know His plans? Shouldn't we have enough faith that His plans are the right plans?

Being able to look at Him and say, "I'm yours. I've burnt it all. I have NOTHING to go back to."

That's when you get the greater.

That's when you go from good or okay to GREAT.

How many things in your life are just going good?  Do you want great?

Most of us don't ever get to greater because we are content at good enough.

I'm guilty.

I'm also guilty of only seeing the right now. I know about the big plans.

I have hopes and dreams and goals.

But sometimes, it's so much easier to just focus on the right-this-instance-and-what-I-want-right-now than it is to look ahead.

To say, "I want more."

What are your plows?

I've already said mine: credit cards.

Shopping.

Money.

So, yesterday, I decided to let it all go.

I decided to burn the plow.

I went to the altar and I prayed.

I prayed that I would be strong enough to say no.

God has something greater for ME.

God has something greater for my FAMILY.

God has something greater for my CHILDREN.

I just have to be willing to burn the plow.

So, here I am today; one day post glass-shattering revelations about my life.

I am so tempted. Isn't it scary how the devil works? It's not even been a whole day and I'm tempted.

I have about $400 sitting in the virtual shopping cart at Pottery Barn Kids. I logged on to buy it last night (stuff for JC's room that is being re-done). Then I remembered; I burned the plow.

I burned the plow.

No more.

Done.

Goodbye.

2013 isn't going to be the year that we get out of debt.

But, 2013 is going to be the year that I stop this stupid cycle.

2013 is the year that I finally let go of my own materialistic desires for my life and I start to focus on God's plan.

This is the year that I go for greater.

Won't you join me?

What plow do you need to burn?

It's a freeing feeling. Let me tell you.

Don't believe me?

Burn it!

God is calling us all to something greater.

Will you listen? 

Will you answer His call?

Go. 

Burn the plow.


***If you live in the area and don't have a church, check out mine. I'd love to see you there!

JC Says, Nursery Decor, and Baby #3

JC is a very articulate kid. He's also very dramatic. I need to make a video of him talking and post it on here. Maybe I'll do that soon.

Anyway, yesterday the new PB Kids catalog arrived. Don't you just love that day? Anything from J.Crew or Pottery Barn makes the walk to the mailbox worth it!

As I was flipping through, I saw an adorable photo of a nursery. 

This nursery to be specific:

{Photo: PB Kids}

He was sitting in my lap as I was flipping through it. We always look at it together, just so I can get some ideas as to what he likes. (Which, is basically anything in Superman Red or Blue, just in case you didn't know that!) 

I said, "Oh, wow! I love this. Do you think you could go back to being a baby so that I can make this your room?"

His exact response, word for word (as he looked at me with a complete incredulous "how stupid are you?" look on his face):

"Mommy, it doesn't work like that. See, you're born a baby. Then you get bigger and bigger and bigger until you get REALLY big. Then, you get old and when you're really old, a long long long time from now, you die and go to heaven and meet Baby Jesus. But, he's not really a baby anymore. He's a grown-up, too. So, no. I won't be able to get smaller to fit in that. People who are big don't sleep in cribs. That can't happen."

And now I know. 

I posted the photo on FB, and said that it almost made me want another baby. Almost. Then, I commented that Myra loves being the baby, so every time I start having that thought, she promptly poops and changes my mind. 

She delivered. Pun intended. 

Within 5 minutes of the comment, we had a major explosion. The kind that required me to just stick her in the bathtub and hose her off in the shower (don't worry, I kept my hand under the water the whole time to make sure it didn't get too hot).

And just like that, I no longer wanted another baby. 

Problem solved. You're welcome, Patrick (who, despite having 5 sisters wants no more children). No baby # 3 for me. 

Who Am I?

*Warning: This is the loooooongest post ever. Ever. And, there aren't any pictures. So, unless you're my mom, dad, or husband, feel free to skip this one. They're obligated to read. It's part of the incentive package for loving me. Everyone else, consider this your free homework pass. Or your warning. Whichever you prefer. 

I'm in constant Mommy Mode.

Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't change anything about my life.

Well, that's not entirely true. I'd take less debt, more good hair days, and a smaller waist-line. Oh, and a house with a 2nd bathroom. PLEASE!

But, other than that short list, I'm good.

If you're a parent, you will understand this next statement,

I'm sure.

At least I hope you do.

Otherwise, I'm all alone.

Alone.

Alone.

I'm all alone.

Anyway, I often struggle to remember me.

Who am I?

Aside from the diapers and superheroes, who am I?

Patrick and I, like many of you did, spent some time traveling down memory lane these last few days. This is our 10th New Year together. We agreed that this was our favorite yet, because of JC & Myra Mae.

As we were talking, I began to hear a nagging voice. Save the sarcastic comments, Dad! Ahem.

My subconscious was reminding me that I was once so much more than an on-demand beverage provider.

I realized that not only am I not that person anymore, but I couldn't tell you very much about her if I tried.

That frightened me.

I love my role right now; I love being Mommy and Wife.

But I would be lying if I were to say that I don't miss certain things about the carefree eternally hopeful and optimistic head-in-the-clouds dreamer I once was.

That girl, she was going places.

In stilettos.

And a spit-up free shirt.  

Anyway, chances are, I'll be saying the same thing in 10 years.

I'll look back and struggle to remember who I was in this moment.

Chances are, I'll remember the sleepless nights, the superheroes, and the unconditional love (even at times that I don't deserve it) from my not so little anymore babies.

Only, I want to remember who I am then.

I want to look back and laugh at how I didn't see God's timing or reasoning in my life because I was too close to the moment see the big picture.

I want to be proud of the really hard stuff that we overcame, and laugh at the stuff that seemed huge but turned out to be insignificant (and the really small things that were life-changing).

So, I thought it would be fun to list a few thoughts that I have about my life right now. Because I'm quite sure I'll remember who they were. But I don't know if I'll know anything about who I was.

Here are a few random things about myself. Some of them are recent discoveries, while others are things that I can already feel becoming old and stuffy. I'm constantly changing, evolving, and growing. 

I hope that I look back at this list in 10 years and am proud of the person I am now.

I hope I can look back at it and say that my life is better than it is now, but that I can say that I embraced this stage fully and with gratitude. I hope that I can say that, while I'm sure I will miss this stage, I don't feel like I missed out on it because I lived my life fully and in the moment. 

Anyway, here's my list:

1. I have finally learned to love peanut butter. Providing it's smooth, organic, schmeared (the Sandy Cohen way) on a whole-grain bagel with fresh strawberry slices.

2. My hair has more gray in it than my 9-years-older-than-I-am husband's does. He says it's due to my inability to be relaxed and go with the flow. Personally, I think he takes a Sharpie to his hair in the mornings. But what would I know? He's up by 5 most mornings while I am usually just getting to the good part of my sleep (the part that lasts 3 uninterrupted hours). 

3. I love to sew. This one surprises me more than the peanut butter. See, I avoided all home ec classes like the plague. Looking back, this was probably a mistake. Sixteen-year-old me never dreamed that the digestive process of a cow would turn out to be random useless knowledge or that knowing how to can or do a French pleat might come in handy. Thankfully, I have my mom and Granny to help in both departments! And, when I need to get my bovine digestion game on, I've got Dad & Patrick.

4. I hear strange noises in the middle of the night (like the house creaking or a car driving by) and can't go back to sleep. Anxiety? Foolishness? Paranoia? Call it what you may, but it's a very unfortunate reality for me these days, especially at 3am when I'm already exhausted from a night of nursing Myra. (Seriously, when will this kid start sleeping through the night???) Insert The Cranberries singing quietly in the background.

5. I am still a die-hard loyalist when it comes to brands. My long-time favorites include Diet Coke from Sonic, Coach handbags, Pottery Barn Organic Cotton sheets, Lisa Leonard Designs, and Paul Brown Wash Elite and Resurrect. 

6. I haven't worn stilettos anywhere other than church in over 2 years. The last time I had a pair on was at my BFF's bachelorette party in 2010.

7. After a gazillion renovation projects, I finally feel like our house is starting to reflect my style. When we were first married, I decorated in reds and other earth tones (but mostly reds). I didn't like red, even then, but I had it in my head that red and dark green were "grown-up" colors. Thanks to this post, I started to pay attention to my style. I began to look at the colors in my closet. I looked to the colors that I wore the most and made me the happiest. Slowly, I began to incorporate those colors. Things went from being dark colors to bright blues, greens, and whites with a few pops of yellow. I still love dark furniture and floors, but I prefer light accessories. After 5 years of being in this house, I'm finally happy with my daily surroundings.

8. If I could, I would update bedding at least twice a year (at least). in the 5 years that we've been married, I've had 6 different looks in the master bedroom. This is by far my favorite, and it's stayed the longest (just over 2 years). But, I'm growing tired of it. I found something in Pottery Barn's new catalog that I LOVE, but until I sell some of the things I have, I'm not going to buy a new one.

9. If it is between having a clean house or sleep, my house will be messy. I can deal with the house, but I have to have sleep. For the safety and wellbeing of those around me. You're welcome.

10. I've felt God's presence more in my life in the last 6 months than ever before. I'm not sure if it's because I'm spending more time listening (a skill my Pa always told me I needed to improve), or if it's just that I'm surrounding myself with people who are like-minded. Either way, I've left church at least 3 times a month feeling like the message was directed towards me. On several occasions, I was quite certain that God placed the message on Pastor Nick's heart and included a neon sign flashing over my head on Sunday morning. You know, just so he could be sure that he was getting through to me. Sometimes, I want to stand up and say, "Everyone, you can go home now. This one's all mine. Have a great week!" All kidding aside, I think it's because I have purposefully sought Him out more lately. I desperately crave a feeling of fulfilling my purpose.

11. Mexican is my favorite food. Then steak grilled by Patrick. Followed closely by greasy cheeseburgers and fries. Suits, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, and Castle are must-see shows (Revenge, 2 Broke Girls Heart of Dixie, and  In the Middle are watched frequently). My favorite movies are still McClintock! and Sweet Home Alabama although Crazy Stupid Love, Trouble with the Curve, and Tombstone are very closely tied for the third place spot.

12. My favorite jeans are from Banana Republic and J.Crew. My shoes are J.Crew ballet flats or Frye Boots. My purse and diaper bag are Coach, as are my sunglasses. I wear cardigan sweaters or flowy tops most of the time, and if I'm going anywhere beyond the mailbox, I have on one of my Lisa Leonard Designs necklaces (usually my two Dewdrops necklaces stacked on one chain), my Tiffany bracelet, and a scarf. I am the scarf lady. If I'm staying home, I'm in lounge pants and a Gap t-shirt. Or, more times than not, one of Patrick's super soft t-shirts.

13. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I wear, even though I rarely look the part. I'm what you would call a "not-hot-hot-mess." Someday, these babies will be able to take care of themselves. At that point, maybe I'll look a little bit more put together. Doubtful, but I'm willing to hang on to hope.

14. If I wear make-up, it's put on in the car. Always. Never while I'm driving, though I have been known to apply mascara while stopped at a red light. Usually, if I'm going anywhere that requires make-up, Patrick is with me, and he always drives (apparently, I'm a bad driver?). My make-up stays in the car during the winter and in my purse during the summer. I still only wear minimal stuff though; just lightweight tinted moisturizer, some shimmery eye shadow, mascara, and lip balm. 

15. I love photography and came within one step of opening my own studio. Like one step. I had the lease completely filled out, had purchased all of the equipment I would need to get started, and had a website and business cards made. At the very last (I mean VERY last) minute, something told me to wait. I'm so thankful that I listened because the spot I was going to lease is still sitting empty, and all of the businesses surrounding it have since closed. The apartments that are above the building next door have been involved in several meth busts. I feel like I really dodged a bullet. Opening a studio is still on my bucket list, but it's much lower than it once was, and it definitely won't be in that place. 

16. I had the some of best students for the two years I taught. I still talk to many of them on a regular basis, and I consider them to be great friends. I have such high hopes that they will accomplish their dreams, and I'm beyond honored that I had the opportunity to help mold them into the people they will become. I still feel like teaching is in my future; I just don't think it's in my immediate future. Only time will tell!

17. I still can't listen to Blue Moon of Kentucky without crying. It gets me. Every. Single. Time. As do The Good Stuff and The Woman with You by Kenny Chesney.  Bawl like a baby.

18. I'm completely envious of anyone who can sing. I think the nation could forgo waterboarding. Forcing the terrorists to listen to my ear-screeching attempts to carry a tune would be much more effective. And, cheaper. Hey, aren't we all calling for budget reform? There you go. 

19. I dream of building a big white farmhouse with a haint blue wrap around porch on my grandaddy's farm. Smack dab in the middle of the hay field. I doubt this dream will ever become reality, but if it does, you'll find me sitting on the porch swing, sipping sweet tea, and reading Southern Living.

20. I detest living in a subdivision. But, since I'm living large as a stay at home mommy, we're stuck here indefinitely. We've outgrown our house (1 bathroom, zero closet space, and a backyard the size of the house--small!), but we are making do. Many get by with a lot less, and we're so so SO grateful that we have a roof over our head and have made so many memories here. I know without a doubt that I will look back in 10 years and miss this place.

What do you want your future self to remember about who you are right now? Is there anything you hope to forget? 

Hello New Year! {My Goals for 2013}

I stink at keeping resolutions. I am the best at making them. I can, at any minute, rattle off 100 things that I need to resolve to do better/more/less. But actually doing (or not doing as the case may be) those things? Good lucky with that. 

Usually, any resolution I make has been broken before the month is in double digits. 

This year, I decided that I wasn't going to make a resolution. I resolved to NOT resolve. Ha! Seriously, though. I just don't see the point. 

In all honesty, most days I'm lucky if I have time to floss before Patrick comes home from work.

There are always dishes dirty in my sink. 

Too often, I forget to move clothes from the washer to the dryer before bed (what's the world record for times someone has rewashed the same load? I need to look that up. I bet I've beaten it tenfold!). 

There are always toys covering the living room floor. 

Mail gets stashed in a drawer in the desk and is often forgotten until the day a bill is due (assuming I move it from the counter). 

I have at least 10 unfinished sewing projects in a storage tote in my laundry room taking up space. 

My closet is filled with clothes that I never wear, while the clothes that are in constant rotation are usually still in baskets. 

My meal-plan memo pad has a week's worth of meals planned out. It's dated September 3. 

My car is never spotless. Every Sunday, I leave church embarrassed because it needs to be washed. I vow that I will clean it before the next service. I remember my vow as I pull into the parking lot the following Sunday. 

There are other areas in my life that need just as much work. 

I don't put enough money into my Roth IRA. 

We eat entirely too much junk. 

I love Diet Cokes. 

I spend too much time reading blogs, romance novels, and gossip magazines. 

I don't spend enough time reading my Bible and focusing on His word. 

I never greet my husband with a smile and a home-cooked meal. It's occasionally one or the other but never both. 

I don't send food to the sick, sympathy cards to the grieving, or birthday and anniversary cards for celebrations. 

I have expensive running shoes that haven't been worn since the week before Thanksgiving. 

JC hears, "Just a minute." at least 3,492 times a day. 

I have entirely too much credit card debt. 

I buy things I can't afford. 

I start projects and never finish them.

All of that to say that I need work. I know this. I know that there are no less than a million potential resolutions in my life. There are a bazillion areas that are just begging for improvement. But, isn't that the point?

He's still working on me. That thought offers me so much peace. Especially when I'm lying in bed at 3 am nursing a baby (one of the only times I get to focus solely on Myra--everyone else is asleep) recounting my many (and I mean MANY) epic failures of the day. 

I know that God has so many plans for my life. I know that I fail Him on a daily basis. And yet, He continues to show me grace and mercy. He continues to work on me to make me what I ought to be. He hasn't given up on me.  He hasn't given up on you. Isn't that the greatest feeling in the world? 

I may not get out of debt this year. 

My house probably won't be cleaner. 

I will tell JC to wait on a daily basis. 

I doubt I'll give up Diet Coke (especially considering it's 4:00 and I'm chomping at the bit because I've now missed Happy Hour at Sonic). 

BUT. 

Oh, there's that little word.

But, I CAN try to do better. 

In one of these areas; in all of these areas.  

I can do better to serve Him. 

I can make an effort and genuinely try to live my life in a way that it exemplifies the life he has envisioned for me. 

I can make efforts to follow Jesus in a way that would make Him proud. 

I can spend more time in prayer. 

I can spend more time in worship. 

I can spend more time the word. 

2013 may not be the year that I complete my journey to be all that He wants me to be. It will be the year that I try. 

It will be the year that I pray more.

It will be the year that I say, "Lord, this is hard. Please help me stay patient with JC." 

It will be the year that I focus on love. I will focus on loving people more. On valuing relationships over possessions. On quality time over quantity of stuff.

My only goal for this year is to do better.  That's it. I just want to do better with this one short life I've been given. I want to walk a closer walk with Him. 

I want to deserve the blessing of my children's childhood. I want to help them grow and love and serve. I want them to see God's love in and through me. More than anything, I want to live my life in a way that their hearts are for Jesus. 

What are your goals or resolutions for the new year?