Another Year in Review because I'm the Worst Blogger Ever.

Well, hello there, somewhat familiar friend. 
It's been such a long time since we've talked. 
It's so great to see you! How are the kids? And your momma? Wonderful.
We really must make sure that we stay in touch. It has been entirely too long.

That's what I would tell you if we were to cross paths at the farmer's market.

Because, I would love to do a better job at keeping in touch with old friends. But, life is so chaotic sometimes that it's nearly impossible to do.

I have been a terrible blogger. I would promise to do a better job, but I'm afraid that my efforts would in vain. Not that I wouldn't mean well. I would. Swear it. Scout's honor. However, let's be real. I haven't blogged since last year. Chances are, it will be 2015 before you hear from me again. Just know that I will be thinking of you, dear friend. I will be wishing that we could sit down and catch-up over coffee, or spend the afternoon chatting on a porch swing while sipping sweet tea.

I would tell you that Myra has used the big kid potty for 2 days now with only one accident.

I would also tell you that I went back to work, and I love everything about my school, especially my kids. I'm only teaching one subject now because I'm at an actual middle school. I could write an entire post about the differences and the advantages of a middle school over a K-8 school. Maybe I will. Next year.

I would offer you a refill as I told you about my commute, and how exhausting it is.  I would tell you that I drive across town each day, adding an extra 40 miles to our commute (10 each way) because I literally drive past my school to take them to Gatorland. It's a daycare that is mostly teacher's kids, and it is wonderful. They have both thrived in their classrooms, but especially JC. He is such a smart kid! His teacher, Ms. Miranda, did such amazing things with him this year.

Speaking of JC, he starts kindergarten in the fall! I can't believe that time has flown so quickly. How on earth did we get here? In no time at all, he will be heading off to college. Encourage them to chase their dreams and there is a chance they will fly away. But, I hope they do. I hope they follow adventure wherever their heart takes them.

JC still loves superheroes, especially Superman. I will try to post updated room pictures soon, but with Krypto around, it's a little difficult.

That's right, we got a dog. He was JC's birthday present, but he is fully Myra's dog. He is terrified of her and lets her drag him throughout the house. She lays on top of him, pinches his mouth shut and squinches his eyes. He wags his tail the entire time. It's been a bit of a struggle since he joined our family. He was only a few months old when we got him, and house breaking has been nearly impossible. Realistically, it probably wasn't fair to get him when we did because we were never home. Those first 3 months were a nightmare, and I think that if he had chewed up one more pair of shoes, Patrick would have left. He was furious that I bought him, and he claims to hate him. However, he is always petting him, so I think it's just lip service. Krypto has chewed up numerous Imaginext superheroes, almost all of the Lincoln Logs, books, papers, ties, bras, shoes. Yes, shoes. My favorite turquoise J.Crew CeeCee ballet flats are toast thanks to Krypto. He also ate my Chi flat iron. Before you think I'm a complete slob, all of these things were well out of what should have been his reach. I thought only cats could climb. At first, he didn't sleep in his crate because we were gone so much, and I felt guilty about him being in there all night and then the majority of the day. But, he chews EVERYTHING. Seriously, the mutt chewed a hole in our couch and we walked into the living room to find green stuffing everywhere. Oh, and he got bored one day while I was in the shower and decided to chew a 5 inch chunk of wood off of our floor. After I found him standing on top of the table and then the next morning, he was on the counters, he started sleeping in his crate and spending the day in the bathroom so that he had a little bit more room to play. Thankfully, I think he is starting to behave more like a dog and less like Satan's spawn. Krypto has done amazingly well with his house-training efforts this week because we have been here to work with him. He has only had one accident, and that was when I was giving Myra her bath and Patrick missed the "I've got to potty" signs.

Speaking of "I've got to potty," Myra Mae is in the middle of Potty Training 101.  We started Monday morning, and she had 2 accidents all day. She made it all day yesterday without an accident until nap time. I was really proud of her because she peed in her diaper, but recognized it as soon as she did and took off her diaper and used her potty. Today, she hasn't had any accidents at all except for one minor poop incident which involved her running down the hallway screaming, "Poop! Poop!" as she tried to make it to the potty in time. She has used the big potty and has refused to use the training potty. She is still very skeptical about the flushing, but she complies because we bribe her with stickers, Nerds, and ice cream.

Myra loves having her toes painted, has the curliest Shirley Temple hair ever, begs for baths and always wants "Mooooooose" in her hair as soon as she is out of the water. She likes Minnie Mouse, spinach salads, couscous, and ice cream of any variety. She is talking nonstop, and is very bossy. She has a mother hen personality, and at school, she takes care of the other kids in her class.

This post has taken me 3 days, which might explain why I don't write more often. Hopefully, I will do a better job of keeping in touch, but it's highly unlikely.

At any rate, enjoy your summer! Hopefully you are spending it doing something fun.

XO
J

30

Today is the last day of my 20's. No longer can I claim to be a twenty-something trying to figure it all out. When I open my eyes tomorrow, I will be 30. And, while 30 isn't actually that old (ahem), it's a lot older than I'm ready to be. I thought I would have done more. I planned to have seen more. I hoped to have more.

But, right now, as I'm lying in bed, JC and Myra Mae are playing tag in the hallway. I can hear their giggles. I can hear the pitter-patter of Myra's feet as she runs, full throttle, desperate to keep pace with her big brother's giant steps. I can visualize the enormous, slobber laden grin as she looks at him adoringly because right now, he is her god. I picture him. His chest is stuck out. His shoulders are proud because she loves him. Patrick watches them with the same sense of pride, and his heart overflows. It's tangible; you can see it in the sparkle in his eyes. You can hear it as he encourages them to run faster. Myra begins to cackle, and I imagine her whole body shaking as it does when she is overcome with complete bliss.

I fight the urge to go join them. It's been an exhausting week of driving, studying, grading, writing, editing, and planning. So, Patrick has yet again exiled me to my room.

"You've got two choices," he orders. "You can either work on your homework or go to sleep." I willingly comply. I'm just so exhausted.

Another reason that I remain hidden in the darkness is because I don't want to steal their moment. They are both at an age where they spend 92% of their time competing for and demanding my undivided attention. The second the door creaks, they will come running. And the moment will have passed.

I thrive on their devotion and adoration. It provides me a purpose. It gives me hope. It lets me know that, even though I thought there would be more money in the bank, a nicer car in the driveway (which would lead to a nicer house), and smaller clothes in my closet, I realize that I am exactly where I belong. I am just where God put me, and I am blessed. I struggle to find a balance between it all, and the only child in me throws tantrums much more often than she should. Thankfully, Patrick the Great often swoops in to save the day. It's no coincidence that he's Superman's dad.

I stay right where I am, and eavesdrop on the three most important people in my whole world. They have moved on, and Myra is holding her baby doll. I can hear her "shhhing" her. JC is looking over his house plan book. He's stuck on one plan which he insists we are going to build together. I don't have the heart to tell him that, because of my shopping mistakes, he'll be another decade older before we get the chance.

My 20's were a time of change. I married the love of my life. Bought our first house. Said goodbye to three of the most important men in my life. Became a mother. Twice. Graduated college. Began grad school. Taught some of the brightest and most inspirational young adults you could imagine. Made mistakes. Made more mistakes. Overcame them. Sorta. Dealt with my parents separation. Made lifelong friends. Became closer to God. Began a debt-free journey. Watched my children grow. Loved. Cried. Hoped. Feared. Dreamed.

Through it all, I somehow managed to find myself. I managed to grow and change and become confident in who I am. I learned to love me for who I am rather than who I am expected to be. I learned to forgive. I learned that people will always have something to say, but people don't matter. God matters. I learned that God is in control, and His blessings will flow tenfold if I just butt out and let Him take control.

So, it is with great pleasure that I say goodbye to my 20's. I am welcoming the next decade of my life with open arms. I can only hope that the next ten years are as full of life as these past ten were. I can only hope that they are spent as passionately as this decade was.

Goodbye; hello.

It's been entirely too long ; I know that. However, I've had the best of intentions.I've missed this little blog! One of my primary reasons in writing this is so that JC and Myra will have documented accounts of their childhoods. However, I also write for me. I don't want to forget. I got a new job. I'm going to be teaching 7th grade at a middle school that's about 45 minutes away. We have (hopefully) worked out the child-care aspect, but I'm still not sure. Are you ever? Anyway, I started this week. We have PD until Thursday. I have had something after school every night until at least 6. JC & Myra are staying with Patrick's mom. While I'm completely sure they're in great hands with Nana, my heart is empty. I miss them SO much! It's only night 3. They're there for 1 more, and then I'll get to see them. Our summer is quickly dwindling. We have our VBS block party at church this weekend, and I fly to Kansas City for Silpada next week. Then, we have a few days left and school starts. Myra will be completely weaned when she returns. I've been counting down for months, and now that we're finally here, it's bitter sweet. But, I can imagine that I'll feel this way a lot during the next few years as they reach milestone after milestone! I had a goal of nursing for a year. With JC, I listened to outside influences and stopped at 10 months. I was so excited when 10 months came and went with Myra. Then, I tried to wean her at a year. She wasn't having any of it! So, at 13 months, I went away for 2 nights. I cried when I realized that we might never nurse again. But, when I returned home, I was devastated when she not only didn't want to nurse, but she didn't want anything to do with me. Thankfully, by the next morning, she had warmed up to me. She clung to me and nursed (for comfort, I'm sure!). Flash forward a month, and I'm trying to convince myself that this is the right thing. There are so many choices involved in being a parent! It's exhausting

I'm Still Here!

How on earth does so much time slip away between blog posts? I swear, every day I think, "I need to do a blog post." But, truthfully, I just can't motivate myself to write yet another post without a photo. And, if I'm really honest, I'm entirely too lazy to find my card reader so that I can upload the 500+ images on my card. Don't worry, I keep my cards in our firesafe. {On a side note: I would almost feel sorry for the burglar who incorrectly assumes he's hit the jackpot with our safe. All that work to carry it out and he'll get JC's first curls, letters I've written to JC & Myra, some photos and obituaries, and about 15 CF & SD cards. Oh, and my grandaddy's pocket knife and a slingshot that he made for JC just weeks before he passed away. That's it. Pretty boring, huh? Meaningless stuff to a looter, but priceless to us!}

Anyway, I am here. I promise.

There are so many things I want to update on here before I forget them. 

For example, yesterday was Myra's 9 month check-up. She's in the upper 90th percentile for everything except height, which was 89th. The wiggle worm was moving so much that it took three tries to get her measured. I'm still not sure we got the right results. She measured 28 inches and was 22 pounds 2.2 oz. She's in size 12 month clothes. She's standing up all the time and on the verge of walking. We just knew that she would begin to walk on JC's birthday, but she hasn't yet.

She's still not sleeping worth anything; she sleeps in bed with me most nights, and Patrick usually sleeps with JC.

We have yet to finish our floors.

I'm getting overwhelmed with the to-do list! It keeps growing, and very little, if anything, is getting checked off of it. There is so much I need to do! Including write the post on our floors. Truthfully, I was hoping we would be able to finish them first (since we began the DIY December 2nd), but that obviously isn't going to happen this year. Ha! 

Truth: Out with the Old

It's an expression that is usually reserved for the New Year. 

As is always the case, I'm a little late. 

Only 31 days, so by my normal standards, I'd say that I'm right on time.

And, while I've made my thoughts on resolutions quite clear, I haven't been completely honest.

I haven't lied, per se. 

But, I have withheld. 

See, I've made some major changes in my life this year.  

I can hear you. You're thinking, "But it's February 1. What kind of major changes could you have made in 31 days?" Bite. Your. Tongue.

Because I've changed.

If we're friends on FB or if you follow me on Instagram, you have seen my status updates and pictures. 

Over the summer, I posted photos of my gorgeous new Coach diaper bag. I also received new Coach sunglasses and 2 new Coach purses since Myra was born. 

And a pair of Frye boots, new running shoes, and 2 pairs of J.Crew CeCe ballet flats.

The Big Brown Truck has delivered countless boxes to my house from J.Crew, Crewcuts, Anthropologie, Crate and Barrel, Land of Nod, Pottery Barn, and PB Kids. 

Our mail carrier has became a great friend because she so frequently has to get out of her red mail Jeep and bring packages to our door. We strike up a conversation at least twice a week. I adore her. 

JC is about to turn 4 and has had his room redone twice since his nursery.

My entire house has evolved over the past year; nothing (aside from the bathroom) looks the same. 

I could go an entire year without ever wearing the same shirt twice. Truthfully, I could probably make it 2 years. And I am almost certain that I have enough shoes to last 6 months without any repeats, if not longer. I'd have to look through the bins in the garage to see for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

I've talked about credit cards on here before, but I've never actually talked about my credit cards. 

Patrick has a great job. He's not a surgeon, but he makes more than the median state household income. When I was working, we were making more than double the average. Which is huge considering we live in a very rural, low-income community. 

But we are broke. I mean flat broke.

Now, before I continue, I want to throw something important out there.  I know that a lot of people scrunch their noses at the thought of sharing some things. Many people believe that matters such as political opinions and financial standing should be private. 

I think that it is up to you to decide what you are comfortable letting people know, and no one but you should have the right to decide such things. Personally, I am writing this blog for me. I want to remember exactly how I felt in this moment, and I want to hold myself accountable. I want you to hold me accountable.  So, I am going to do what may be considered an "over-share." If you don't want to read it, don't. If you think it's inappropriate, feel free to move on and find another blog to read. I honestly don't care if I have a single reader; I write for me, and my family. (Not to say that I don't love having readers; I do! But, when it comes right down to it, this is for me, not you.)

You were warned.

Ahem. 

I first heard Dave Ramsey's show in June of 2007. I was driving to Knoxville to see one of my best friends. Patrick and I had been married a little over a month, and I had 4 credit cards: Express, New York and Company, Old Navy, and a Capital One card. I honestly have no clue how much the balance on them was, but I know that it was less than $1000 total. 

I remember hearing these idiots call in on a radio show and scream, "We're debt FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  Big whoop. 

There's this spot between Cookeville and Knoxville where you are lucky to pick up one radio station. I was a 23 year old newlywed on my way to buy some secondhand furniture. I worked about 20 hours a week for less than $8.00, and I would still be a full-time student for another 3 years. Patrick worked about 30 hours a week and farmed (which was a money pit) on the side. 

We had just bought a house that was well below what we could afford/were approved for. We were feeling very proud of ourselves for behaving like such grown-ups. 

Anyway, as I listened to this crazy man on the radio ramble on and on about debt being dumb and grandmother's teachings, I felt very secure in my financial situation. My dad had always made it a point to talk about money openly and honestly with me; I knew all about 401k's and credit scores. I understood the difference between good debt and bad debt (ironic now that I'm thinking about it; is any debt ever good?)

Secretly, I found all avenues of finance interesting, and I admitted numerous times to Patrick that if I were better at math, I would want to have a career in the field. 

I became a reluctant fan of Dave's, and one day I realized that I had listened to his radio show daily for several months. 

But we were still in debt.  We didn't have an emergency fund. We didn't make a budget, let alone talk about our money. We had separate checking accounts. He paid the mortgage and the household bills. I paid my credit cards and bought the food/clothing/extras.

I can write an entire book about the psychological influences which made me become a shopaholic. Let's just chalk it up to low self-esteem and call it a day, shall we? I have always noticed brands and styles; I have a true love labels. 

I love to receive compliments from people, and I always take pride in my appearance (at least I did before Myra Mae came along. Now, I'm just happy if I've had a shower and a nap). This will sound completely crazy, but I don't like to shop where everyone else shops. For example, I LOVED Old Navy when I was in high school. The closest one to us was about an hour away, and very few people I knew wore the brand. I hated walking down the halls and realizing that 15 other people had on my shirt. I can't explain why, but I've always been that way. Yes, Old Navy is cheap. But at that time, Mom & Dad were footing the bill. 

 I began reading other blogs and noticing the style of some of my favorite bloggers. They would answer questions about their clothing in the comments section, and I would check out the stores. Through blogging, I discovered Boden, Garnett Hill, Sundance, Anthropologie, and countless other stores. 

I still remember the first time I wore a necklace from Lisa Leonard (who I discovered through the blog world). Patrick bought it for me for my first Mother's Day. It had JC's name on it, and I still wear it on a daily basis. Even though I'm now a Silpada rep, I still wear my Lisa Leonard Dewdrops necklace all the time. Anyway, I received about 10 compliments on this one necklace. I loved telling people where I got it and hearing them say, "Oh. I've never heard of that store. Is it local?"

I loved being the source of inspiration for strangers. I was happiest when someone would tell me that I was stylish. I was the ultimate consumer, and now that I've taken time to step back and think about it, I don't think I even realized that I had a problem back then. I was just finding my place in the world. 

The tipping point for me came in the form of an interest free financing offer from Best Buy. I needed a new computer and was approved for $1800. I bought my first laptop for $1050 on a 18 month same as cash plan. We made a $60 payment each month and it was nothing.  We ate out almost every night. We went to the movies or out with friends every weekend. I never thought about that card as  being a source of financial ruin; it was just $60 a month (the minimum was only $25, but we paid enough so that we could get it paid off within the interest free time period).

I began to look at "monthly payments" as a way to get what I wanted out of life RIGHT NOW. I blame my impatience on being an only grandchild; I rarely wanted for anything. The bottom line was that I bought into a lie; I could finance myself into prosperity.  

The fall before I graduated, Patrick opened a credit card in his name in order to transfer the balance of my cards onto his account.  JC was the same age Myra is now when our debt went from $5,000 to $10,000.   I had maxed out my cards and had been on a shopping "diet" for a few months. Once the transfer went through I had tons of room on my card for shoes, purses, movies, clothes, toys for JC, etc. Whatever my heart desired, I could have it instantaneously for the low price of a few dollars a month. 

I got a Gap card. Then a Pottery Barn card.  Then a Target card. Next came another Capital One, Discover, J.Crew, and Victoria's Secret. 

Our refrigerator broke, so I opened a Lowe's card (18 months same as cash). 

Then, I wanted a few organizational things, so I turned to Crate and Barrel.  

I financed my MacBook Pro on a Barclay Card, and Patrick bought me a new camera on a Best Buy card that he opened just for the occasion (Note: Patrick HATES credit cards. I begged and nagged until he gave in). Just an FYI: both were paid off within the "interest-free" time frame. Patrick hasn't used his Best Buy card since, but I've almost maxed out the Barclaycard.

The funny thing? My credit is still great.  It's not perfect, but it's high enough that it's considered "excellent".  

In October of 2011, Patrick opened another card (interest free for a year, then 7.99% after that) to transfer the balances of my cards.  Despite what Dave says about doing this, we went for it sure that this would solve all of our problems.  And, it did. Until I realized that it was close to Christmas and I didn't have any money to buy nice gifts. (Which doesn't even make sense looking back: it's not like Christmas is a surprise. It's the same freaking day every single year. It didn't sneak up on us!)

Looking back, I don't understand how I didn't see that our life was a train wreck  waiting to happen. It wasn't a matter of "if", but a matter of "when" it would jump the tracks and wreak havoc on everyone within a hundred mile radius.

Here we sit, February 2013, and I am openly admitting that we are nearly $30k in credit card debt. I say we only because Patrick was trapped by a little thing we like to refer to as our wedding vows. Though, the "for better or worse" portion of our vows included things like natural disasters and infectious diseases. Not death by fallen delivery boxes.

Please understand that when I say "trapped" I don't really mean he's trapped. At least I don't think he is. Hmm...I think we might need to have a conversation! Ha! Patrick is the least materialistic person I've ever met. When we got married, I was so shocked at the contents of his closet. He still had things from high school. Pepsi t-shirt, anyone? You can have it if you stop by Goodwill. I'm almost certain that, almost 6 years later, it's still there. But, Patrick is perfectly content with things just as they are. Truthfully, it drives me absolutely insane, and we have had many more fights about it than I am ever willing to admit. But, he is one of those rare people who just gets it. We're not here to be the best dressed with the fanciest car and house. It doesn't matter if the bookshelves are perfectly styled or if our children wear Ralph Lauren. I get it. Truly, I do. But, I don't. Rationally, I know these things; I know that they people who matter won't care what brand we wear, or if my purse is from last year. But, deep down the fear and insecurities take over and I stupidly feel like I have to dress a certain way or have my house a certain way. Again, it all ties back to the confidence thing I mentioned earlier.

Anyway. We're (by we, I mean I; Patrick's been doing it right all along) making progress.

Going by our budget, it will take us approximately 27 months to pay off our debts. We could do it in less time, and get "gazelle intense" as Dave says, but I know me. That won't work. I can't quit spending cold turkey, and I will be more successful if I am able to eat out every now  and then.

It's a huge deal for me to write this; it means that I am ready to make a change.

I have a wish list a mile long, but at the top of it is a house on a farm. The root of my entire need for change may sound silly to some people, but it makes perfect sense to me. My son is scared of the cows. He doesn't really know how to act around them because he's only been around them once a week. He screams and cries when we get them up. More than anything (other than a heart for Jesus), we want our kids to grow up on a farm. We want them to have that responsibility and sense of accomplishment as they work with their calves. We want them to develop the work ethic that comes along with it.

So, I am more determined than ever that we will be on a farm within 2 years. We've got big plans to make that happen, and I can't wait to share them! 

Regrets and a Crib Review

Lately, I've been thinking about regrets.

I would love to say that I'm an "in the moment" kind of person; and while that's true with some things (I do tend to be rather impulsive), I also harbor things that I shouldn't. 

For example, regrets.

Some things may seem silly to most people. For example, I have a list of regrets that I have that are sure to be completely meaningless to most of you.

Here's the only picture I could find of the crib JC and I shared. He was a week old in this picture. (It doesn't seem possible that he was that small!)

That's one of my regrets: not keeping this crib.  When Babies R Us offered a 20% coupon to trade in old cribs, I jumped on it. I traded in the crib that my beloved Grandaddy painstakingly assembled for me (I have pictures to prove it); the very same crib that JC slept in for his first year and 10 months. I wanted a newer "safer" crib for Myra. In truth, the crib she has now is even less safe than that one. Sure, it's more modern. It turns into a toddler bed then a full sized bed. It doesn't have the drop side (which is supposed to be a safety hazard). 

But...

It's a pain in the rear. 

Here's a semi-okay picture of Myra's crib. (Ignore the messed up ruffles on the crib skirt. I had just dusted the crib that morning and didn't fluff them back like they were. Oh, and as for the blanket on the side of the crib? Well, I was putting laundry away. Plus, she was all of a week old (look how big JC is!) and not exactly moving around to knock it down.) 

Now for my complaint about this crib. My mom and Granny worked for HOURS making her crib skirt. HOURS. Days, days, and days. You can see three ruffles here: a blue damask print, a pink geometric print, and about an inch of a green floral motif. However, there were two more layers of the crib skirt that you can't see: a solid blue textured fabric and the Love Bird Damask print shown below. 

{Love Bird Damask fabric $10/yd. Image from babybedding.com}

All of that painstakingly hard work, and you barely get to see any of it! The worst part is that this is with the crib raised up all the way; this is as much as you will ever see. This, ladies and gents, is as good as it gets. 

Which brings me to my next complaint about this crib.  What I thought I would love about it has turned out to be the thing I hate the most: the lowered front. If you notice, it scoops down in the front center so that it is easier to get the new baby in and out without waking her/him. 

{Sorelle Verona Lifetime Crib from www.babiesrus.com}

Here's what I didn't consider. They're just a few rookie mistakes that a first-time mom would have made, but a 2nd timer should have known better. It pains me that I didn't. See, during the first few months, Myra didn't sleep in her crib. Truthfully, she didn't sleep anywhere. But, what few hours of sleep she did get were spent in a pack-and-play in our room. She only slept in her crib with the mattress raised all the way to the top for a few months. Once she became large enough to sit up on her own, the lowest point of the crib came to her armpits. She very easily could have fallen out of the crib. We moved it to the middle level (it should be noted that it is very easy to raise and lower the crib; but not as easy as it was with the old one. While my old crib had no less than 10 different heights, this one only has 3), and tried it out. It would have worked, but as she was already starting to pull herself up (at 7 months), I didn't want to have to go through the trouble of removing the mattress, monitor (we have the Angel Care monitor and it has a motion detector that rests between the mattress and the springs), and crib skirt again. So, I went ahead and lowered it as far as it would go.  

JC NEVER climbed out of his crib. And the boy could climb. He climbed on everything. EVERYTHING. But he never climbed out of his crib. I can already tell you that Myra will climb out of this one. It's just too easy. Even now, at 8 months, when she stands (with the crib at the lowest setting), her entire head and almost all of her neck is visible over the top. She frequently stands and rests her chin on the crib where the front "scoops" down. 

Which brings me to my main point: In life, sometimes we are fooled by flashy things. We are tricked by our sinful natures to want newer. Shinier. Better. More. Please understand that I'm not saying wanting more is a sin. It's not. But, constantly wanting more than you have and not being happy with what you have is a sin. 

See, Patrick and I have spent a great deal of the last 10 years arguing about this. I have always been a "look ahead for the future" type, while Patrick has always preferred to live in the present and be happy with his life, exactly where he is at that moment. It used to drive me crazy. Truthfully, it still does.

But, I am beginning to see that my way isn't the right way. There, I said it. I am wrong. Patrick is right. Mark your calendars; it will probably be a while before you read that one again!

Anyway, God wants us to be content. 

He wants us to appreciate all that we have; whether it be little or much.

Hebrews 13:5 says, "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (ESV).

Matthew 6:31-33 reads, "Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (ESV). 

There are numerous other examples from scripture that points to God's desire for us to find contentment in what we have. 

But what about the difference between not being content and having dreams? Is there anything wrong with wanting more? This has been the crux of our problem: I constantly want more. 

I don't want to make it sound like Patrick doesn't have dreams. He does. They involve being healthy, happy, and debt free, having a slightly larger house on a farm (preferably with a huge front porch and a big yard, but those are negotiable for him), and having things set up so that he and JC can farm together full-time after JC graduates from college (if that's what JC wants to do). Otherwise, Patrick doesn't really want for much. He's content in his place in life. He loves his family; he has a heart for Jesus. He doesn't get caught up in fads or appearances. He sees nothing wrong with wearing a t-shirt and jeans everywhere he goes. He's simple. I don't mean that in a bad way; I hope you understand that. But, he is simple. He wants what he has and is grateful for it. It's a quality that he and Pa shared, and I think it's what makes them better people than most of the rest of us; they get it. Life isn't about your stuff, it's about your relationships. It's about your love for each other and your love for God.

Meanwhile, I'm over here dreaming big dreams. I want the farm. I want the house on it. But, I have a specific house picked out. I have finishing details down to the wainscoting and the light fixtures. In my dream, the porch ceiling is painted Haint Blue, the driveway is lined with hundred-year-old Oak trees, and the bathrooms all have claw-foot tubs laid on pristine white hexagon tiles. The interior boasts antique  store finds covered in Annie Sloan Chalk Paint mixed with family heirlooms and overstuffed leather couches from Restoration Hardware. The farmhouse table has room for a dozen people and every seat is filled on the weekends because I will make mouth-watering feasts that put the Pioneer Woman to shame. In my dream, our children are dressed in boutique clothing and their gigantic playroom is in a perpetual state of organization; not a toy is out of place unless it is currently being used.

In my dream, every day is a great hair day. My children are always happy and perfectly behaved. Strangers remark about their politeness and intelligence. Women ask me about my clothing and accessories; they all ask me to be their shopping companion. My vehicle is new and perfectly polished, as are my nails. I always look "put together" and no one would ever say, "Oh, bless her heart," in reference to me.

In my dream, life is perfect.

It's scripted.

It's not at all like the real world where people are flawed and broken. 

See, while Patrick's dream is simple in his visions of us being together and happy, I have visions of grandeur. I want things to be picture-perfect and I hold everyone around me to my impossibly high standards. Actually, I don't even hold them to MY high standards; I hold them to everyone else's high standards. I let other people judge me and I value myself based on their judgments.

I am constantly worried about what others will think of me. Of my kids. Of my husband. Of my house. Of my stuff.

I look at what is stylish and trendy and I want it. Now. I'm like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. 

{Julie Dawn Cole as Veruca Salt. Image from imdb.com}

I want it all, and I want it now! 

This brings me full circle (are you still following?) to my main point.

Regret. 

I regret being so fixed on what other people will think of me. 

I regret being swayed by the shiner, newer, brighter, better, fancier, prettier, faster, pricier, next big things in life. 

I regret not stopping to appreciate the things that matter.

I regret letting myself be caught up in what other people think of me.

I regret not spending more time focused on what The One who matters thinks of me.

Because if I spent more time focused on what He thinks, I might become comfortable enough in myself to stop caring so much what everyone else thinks.

I might stop dying of embarrassment because my 3 year old had a meltdown while in public.

I might stop feeling like everyone was judging my parenting skills because my 8 month old still isn't sleeping through the night and it shows in every line etched on my face.

If I spent more time focused on being content in my life right now, I might not worry about the fact that my house isn't perfect. I would go ahead and entertain despite its flaws; I would live in it and enjoy this time in my life.

So, while to you, it may only seem like a crib, to me, it's so much more than that, and it will always be on my list of regrets. 

If I Had a Million Dollars

As I'm typing this, I'm singing old school Barenaked Ladies. 

Tell me I'm not alone. Please. Anyone?

Oh. Okay. In that case.

Awkward silence it is. 

And crickets. Because that somehow seems worse than awkward silence. 

Moooooooving On. 

(At least if any former students read my blog, they'll get that one. What's that, you say? My former students are too cool for my blog? Hmm...and again, we have crickets.) 

Anyway, As part of my Get My Act Together New Year's Plan (because, I don't do resolutions, remember?), I've committed to saying, "NO WAY JOSE!" to credit cards. 

Why is it that suddenly, when you can't have something, it's ALL you can think about? I mean ALL. I. CAN. THINK. ABOUT.

In the last 20 days, I have thought of dozens HUNDREDS of things I want NEED.

From a new car-seat for JC to three dozen Silpada necklaces and bracelets, I am having a hard time saying, "No!"

The first few days of the new year, I was cool about it. It went something like this: 

Me: Patrick, you know what would be great?

Patrick: [with a deer-in-the-headlights panicked expression because he knows that this sort of probing question NEVER goes anywhere good, and he tentatively asks] What?

Me: It would be so great if we could get out of debt so I could buy a new-to-me car. If we didn't have those payments, we could save for a year and buy a really nice vehicle with enough room for all 4 of us and the junk we seem to take everywhere.

Patrick: Yea. That would be nice.

Soon (and by soon, I mean by January 5th), the dialogue went more like this:

Me: Patrick?

Patrick: [looks up from his Cat's Pause with slight annoyance in his eyes because he knows where this is going] Yes?

Me: I wish we had money.

Patrick: [laughing at the irony that if it weren't for me, we WOULD probably have money. Not Bill Gates money, but money.] So do I. 

Me: If we had money, I would buy this sweater [holds up her MacBook Pro this item]. 

Patrick: If you hadn't bought the other 150 sweaters that you never wear, you would probably be able to buy that one. 

Now, we're just in a whole different level of wishful thinking.

Me: Patrick, I want this.

Patrick: [no longer bothers to look up from his intriguing game of Bubble Blaster as he replies] We don't have money for it.

Me: [makes pouty face that worked for the majority of my life but seems to be useless when used to get what I want now]

So, since he no longer wants to listen to me, I thought I'd share a few of the items that I would buy, "If I had a million dollars." You know, in case anyone reading this little old blog has a million dollars. In which case, I'd love to be your personal shopper. Let me live vicariously through you. PLEASE!

1. Stetson Hand Burnished Ficcini Riding Boots in brown. 

{image from Shelpers.com}

I LOVE boots. Blame it on my cowgirl upbringing, or my love for bohemian style. Either way, I love these boots. They're timeless and classic, and they are a brand that is renowned for its quality and craftsmanship. These are investment quality boots. They will be in your closet for decades. And, at only $239, they're a steal!


2. Vintage Stud Shoulder Bag from The Frye Company.

{image from sterlingleather.com}

It's no secret that I am beyond obsessed with The Frye Company. When I was in college, I used to pine over a pair of boots that my Grandaddy promised to buy me when I graduated college. Since he passed away before that happened, Patrick bought me a pair this summer. Could we afford them? No. Not at all. Were they a stupid tax purchase? Yup. But I wear them ALL the time (like every time I leave the house), and they will be in my closet for the next 20+ years. And, they make me think of my beloved Grandaddy, how much he believed in me, and how much my husband loves and supports me. Not only all of that, but they're AMAZING quality. I can only imagine that the bag is the same type of product. I would love to add this to my closet. I might even be willing to trade a few of my beloved Coach handbags for it!   

3. Elgar Cowl Neck Sweater from All Saints (featured in Oxblood)

{image from us.allsaints.com}

I live in sweaters in the winter. I'm not much on sweatshirts (although, now that I'm home most days, I am ashamed to admit that yoga pants and a hoodie have been my uniform of choice more days than not), especially out in public. I just never feel put together when wearing one. Sweaters take the same effort and are just as comfortable, yet they look so much crisper. I love this sweater in emerald. It's the color I would pick, but the oxblood is gorgeous, too.

4. Indigo Denim Trousers from Banana Republic

{image from bananarepublic.gap.com}

Banana Republic has the BEST denim. Period. I've gone back and forth between jeans from there and J.Crew for years. For skinny jeans, you can't beat the Matchstick (see below) from J.Crew. But, for everything else, BR is the place to go. Especially for trouser jeans. And, now that I'm eating healthier, my pants are a little big. Actually, my pants are falling off. I plan to lose more weight (my goal is another 15-20 lb.), so I don't want to spend $90 on jeans that I will only be able to wear for hopefully 3 or 4 months. But, if I had a million dollars, I'd buy them in dark indigo and white. 

5. Gene Silk Scarf from Club Monaco. 

{image from clubmonaco.com}

I once heard Kelly Monaco (Sam McCall-Morgan on GH, and Season 1 Winner of DWTS) say that her favorite store was Club Monaco, and that she frequently wears/wore the brand on the show. I adore Sam's style, but being from the sticks, I had never heard of the store. I turned to Google.  At the time, they didn't have online shopping, just a "look-book" style website similar to h&m (seriously? WHEN?!?). I may or may not have planned our very first weekend get-away as husband and wife around a trip to this store. Ahem. Anyway, now they offer online shopping and have helped the Man in Brown stay employed (too bad more of my shopping endeavors haven't helped the USPS since it pays the bills around here!). But, that was before I gave up shopping.  Anyway, I love scarves (mainly because no matter how much weight I gain/lose, it always fits) and am always looking to add gorgeous prints to my collection.  This one wouldn't disappoint. 

6. Crafted Dinnerware in Ice Blue from West Elm

{image from westelm.com}

I have all white plates. All of our serving dishes are also white. I picked it because it's timeless and classic and will never go out of style. I didn't want to have "formal" place settings because I know that we're not formal people so they would very rarely be used. So, our "fancy" dishes are also our "everyday" dishes. However, I'd like to have the option to mix it up from time to time while still coordinating with what we have. I've been looking for the last few years without any luck. But wouldn't you know that just before Christmas (when I had already sworn to say goodbye to credit cards as soon as Christmas was over), I would find these? At $256 for 8 place settings, they're quite a steal. They're just not in my budget while we tackle the debt snowball. It doesn't matter anyway since they're backordered until May. Maybe I can hit Patrick up for them for an anniversary (May 12)/Mother's Day present? 

And these are just a few of the things that I could think of off the top of my head. There are about 15 outfits that I have saved on my shopping board on Pinterest, not to mention all of the things I've got on my shopping list for Patrick, JC, or Myra.

This get out of debt journey is HARD. I'm not going to lie: it's a lot more difficult to get OUT of debt than it was to get INTO debt. But, I know that we're making huge progress towards achieving greatness for our family. It may be hard now, but I will be so grateful when we're no longer letting our money control us. 

Today, we started a new Growth Group class at church. It's all about Biblical finance and is exactly what we needed (funny how that works, huh?). And by we, I hope you know that I mean me. It's exactly what I needed. Because Patrick doesn't have a spending problem. Patrick never buys anything for himself. Ever. 

Rome wasn't built in a day, and we're not going to clean up a mess that took me 5 years to make in a month. But, we will get it cleaned up, and we will NEVER go back. Period. 

I actually didn't learn anything new in class today; I'm a Dave Ramsey junkie. I listen to his show, have all of the books, and quote him on a daily basis. Ironic considering I have zero skills at handling my own finances. I can walk you through investing and know the baby steps as well as I know my own kids. But, I've never applied them to my own life because I haven't admitted that I have a problem. In my mind, it was always under control and I could stop it at any time. Spoken like a true addict, huh? 

Anyway, the one thing that I heard that stuck with me (because I had our worksheet filled out before we even started the Dave video), was that to get out of debt, you have to become content with what you have and stop wanting more. I didn't really pay attention to it in class; I just filed it away for later.  Later came on the car ride home. 

Patrick and I were discussing the class and the church service, and I started thinking about that one statement. It's so true. It's always been true for me. I buy things that I don't need and can't afford because I think that they will make me happy. No, that's not even true. I buy them because I think they will change the way others see me. Somewhere along the way, I pinned my self-worth to stuff. I decided that I wasn't worthy of being liked/loved based on who I am, but rather what I have or don't have. I am creative, caring, talented, fun, hard-working, honest, loyal, smarter than a 4th grader (but not a 5th grader--those questions are hard!), and a great friend. I'm a wonderful mom. I'm a good wife. I shouldn't base my opinion of myself on my stuff. Because once I really thought about it, I realized that the people in my life who truly matter don't value their opinions of me on my stuff. They see me. 

This is how I know that this time it will be different.  That's how I know that, while I would love to have all of the items I mentioned earlier in this post, I won't buy any of them. I finally get it; my worth isn't worth going into debt for more stuff. It's not going to make me a better person. Having a new pair of boots won't magically make me a better hostess, nor will that gorgeous purse make me better organized. However, it will add stress to my life each day as I go to the mailbox. It will strain my marriage and my relationship with my kids.

So, for now, I'll go on wanting those things. Maybe I'll have them someday; maybe not. Either way, I'm good.